“The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light.” — James Baldwin

“You don’t earn loyalty in a day. You earn loyalty day-by-day.” — Jeffrey Gitomer

“Relationships are mysterious. We doubt the positive qualities in others, seldom the negative. You will say to your partner: do you really love me? Are you sure you love me? You will ask this a dozen times and drive the person nuts. But you never ask: are you really mad at me? Are you sure you’re angry? When someone is angry, you don’t doubt it for a moment. Yet the reverse should be true. We should doubt the negative in life, and have faith in the positive.” — Christopher Pike, Remember Me

“We have to recognize that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” — Cornel West, Breaking Bread: Insurgent Black Intellectual Life

“The best relationships are a balance of connection and freedom.” — Esther Perel

Time doesn’t heal anything when it comes to relationships.

The 4 horsemen of relationship apocalypse

心若親近，言行必如流水般自然；心若疏遠，言行就如三秋之樹般蕭瑟。不怕身隔天涯，只怕心在南北。

喜歡一個人是例外，不喜歡一個人才是常態。

你我之間剛剛好的距離是：

1. 遠不孤單，近不受傷
2. 不會因過於親近而受傷，也不會因過於疏遠而感到孤單

把所有關係都回歸到友情

愛情，是友情加上一點心動；親情，是友情加上一點血緣。

當 友情 成為關係的核心，你會發現那些規則和壓力都自然消失。友情是最自然、自由、自在的連結，它建立在互相欣賞、認同與信任上，不需要任何外在約束，反而更穩固。

擁有這樣的心態，你就能純粹地認識一個人，而不被世俗眼光中「應該如此」的標籤限制住 — 比如「一定要結婚」或「在家裡必須扮演某種角色」。只有放下這些不必要的框架，你才能開始真正欣賞一個人的獨特之處。

情感帳戶

1. 存款行為
2. 提款行為

Two Pillars of Relationships

1. Outreach involves meeting new people and reconnecting with those you may not see regularly.
2. Connection focuses on nurturing deeper, more meaningful bonds with those already in your life.

It’s usually better to be nice than right.

≈ social intelligence/connections ≈ interpersonal dynamics ≈ human interactions

Dr. Robert Waldinger ¹

• Relationship satisfaction at age 50 was the single greatest predictor of physical health at age 80.
• Ambivalent relationships—those that are sometimes supportive and sometimes demeaning—are the most toxic.

位置不同，少言為貴；認知不同，不爭不辯；三觀不合，浪費口舌！

Every relationship in your life can be placed within a 2 × 2 matrix based upon:

1. How healthy it is
2. How enjoyable it is

When someone has a problem, ask if they want empathy or a solution

“Too often we look for strategies that will shift people out of negative emotion spaces, but that’s not always possible. During difficult times, sometimes we just need to be there for one another.” ― Marc Brackett, Permission to Feel: The Power of Emotional Intelligence to Achieve Well-Being and Success

We often jump into “Mr. Fix It” mode, eager to offer advice and solve a problem. However, this can create tension because people don’t always want a solution; sometimes, they just want to feel heard and understood. In fact, most arguments are not really about the argument, so most arguments can’t be won by arguing.

The next time a friend, partner, or family member comes to you with a problem, resist the urge to immediately offer advice. Instead, take a moment and ask a simple question to clarify what they truly need. You can frame it as:

• “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”

  • The 3H (Helped, Heard, or Hugged) Method

• “Do you want empathy or do you want a solution?”

  Source: Lisa Feldman Barrett: Balancing the Brain Budget [The Knowledge Project Ep. #92]

This simple step can prevent misunderstandings and show that you’re there for them in the way they need you to be. People want to feel understood, and sometimes the best support you can offer is just your presence and a listening ear.

When we find ourselves in an argument or debate with someone, we often become more focused on ‘winning’ the argument rather than actually discovering the truth. When arguing, the goal is come to a consensus, not to “win.”

Remember: Life is not a debate—it’s not about winning the argument or being right. Winning an argument doesn’t make you right. Someone might win an argument and still be wrong. Being good at debating is not the same as being right.

Iron Man vs. Straw Man: Why You Should Build Strong Arguments for Ideas You Disagree With

How to overcome the straw man argument? use the steel/iron man argument: Instead of going on the attack, we help our opponent to build the strongest possible version of their argument, and then engage with that.

1. Paraphrase their point (and check to see that the agree) - So, if I understand you correctly, you’re saying X. Is that right?
2. Strengthen their point (and ask if they agree) - Interesting. You could even take it a bit further and say X.
3. Only then, engage with the argument - That’s a compelling perspective. But, I find myself disagreeing with X. What do you think?

The best way to argue is to engage with your opponent’s strongest points, not their weakest.

• Express your opponent’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that they respond, “Yes, that’s exactly what I meant — I wish I’d said it that way.”
• Aim to articulate their position with such clarity and fairness that they acknowledge, “You’ve captured my view better than I could myself.”

See Also

• Confirmation Bias
• Three Types of “Bad” Arguments

A good exercise: write an essay that argued BOTH sides of a point we felt strongly about.

1. Your side
2. The dissenting side

Remember: The ultimate goal is to find the truth, not to win. An argument is when you are trying to decide WHO is right, a discussion is when you are trying to decide WHAT is right.

The Go-First Principle

Relationships are, by definition, a series of repeated interactions. In those scenarios, the best strategy is called tit-for-tat with forgiveness. If you only play once, the best strategy is to be selfish, according to game theory.

Never leave a conversation without asking “how can I help you?” Everyone subconsciously values reciprocity and aid.

Share with someone who wants to listen or listen to someone who wants to share.

The 4 Stages of Attraction

• Admiration
• Connection
• Commitment
• Compatibility (Do we share the same core values?)

Send THANK YOU notes to people you love by regularly scrolling through recent text messages instead of scrolling on social media as a form of procrastination.

Remember: A person’s favorite sound is their name.

Dunbar’s Number

Humans can maintain about 150 stable, meaningful relationships due to cognitive limits.

See Also

• The Small-World Phenomenon

Money compounds fast but trust compounds even more.

While small talk (= idle talk = chitchat) has its place ,² real bonding/conversation happens through sharing vulnerability or ambition/aspirations.

Shared Struggle

“Trouble shared is trouble halved.” — Lee Iacocca

• builds unbreakable bonds that transcend time and distance.
• releases oxytocin, a chemical that creates feelings of love and connection.

True connection often come from overcoming challenges together.

True bonds are often forged through adversity.

Four different ways to respond when someone shares news

1. active constructive
2. active destructive
3. passive constructive
4. passive destructive

Active constructive responses, which involve genuine engagement and building on the person’s news, are found to be the most energizing.

The Principles of Connected Conversation

• Principle 1: Create Doorknobs (that lead to a story rather than end the conversation)
• Principle 2: Be a Loud Listener
  • Sounds: Saying “yes” or “uh-huh” or “hmm” to signal listening and encourage continued energy from the speaker.
  • Facial Expressions: Changing facial expressions to react physically to the story being told.
  • Body Language: Forward lean posture towards the speaker signals engagement and positive energy. Never turn away or sideways, as it signals you are trying to leave a conversation and immediately hurts the energy of a moment.
• Principle 3: Repeat & Follow
  • Repeating key points back to the speaker in your own words and following on with an additional insight, story, or doorknob.
• Principle 4: Make Situational Eye Contact
  • Deep and connected while they speak.
  • Organic while you speak - It’s ok to gaze off while you think, but use eye contact to emphasize key points and moments in a story.

The RASA Framework

• Receive: focus your attention on what the person is saying.
• Appreciate: show signs of appreciation.
• Summarize: sum up in a few words what the person was telling you.
• Ask a good question.

The Vampire Test

• If, after hanging out with someone making you feel worn out and depleted, that person is a vampire (能量吸血鬼).
  • There are two red flags to avoid almost all dangerous people:
    • The perpetually aggrieved
    • The angry
• If, after hanging out with someone making you feel full of energy, that person is not a vampire.

The ideal dynamic relationship involves two people who are independently strong but come together to create a deeply connected, emotionally safe, and attached bond. This is in contrast to a toxic relationship where individuals focus solely on making themselves happy and then expecting to be happy together.

While you can’t control an interrupter, what you can do is turn it into a learning experience - Rather than being offended, any time someone interrupts you, see it as a positive opportunity. Stop and hone in, understanding that this is an important issue for them.

The 2 Pillars of Strong Relationships

Mean to your face but nice behind your back.

• High expectations
  • High Expectations without High Support is a recipe for disaster.
• High support
  • High Support without High Expectations is a recipe for mediocrity.

Mel Robbins’ Text Message Challenge

If you want to improve any relationship in your life, pull out your phone and send this message to that person: “What can I do to be a better X to you?” (partner, friend, son, etc.)

You don’t know a person until:

1. You travel with them.
2. Money is involved.
3. You deal with them when they’re angry.
4. You live with them.

1/3 的人「喜歡你」，1/3 的人「討厭你」，1/3 的人「隨便你」

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Judge others by intentions, judge ourselves by actions.

The Law of Inverse Charisma

• by Chris Williamson
• True charisma is the ability to make others find themselves charismatic

See Also

• Start hard conversations