We tend to think of a discussion as one conversation. But, in fact, each discussion contains many conversations.

“Supercommunicators” understand that whenever we speak, we’re actually participating in one of the three conversations:

1. Practical: What is this really about? → You offer help.
2. Emotional: How do we feel? → You simply listen.
3. Social: Who are we? → You reciprocate vulnerability.

The Matching Principle

• Successful communication requires recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring and matching one another.
• If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, it’s unlikely to connect.
• When you’re frustrated that someone isn’t listening, the real problem might be that you’re having different types of conversations. Next time, pause and ask yourself: What kind of conversation are we actually having? Then match their energy.

How to figure out which of the three conversations we’re in?

Ask “deep questions”: Instead of asking the facts of someone’s life, ask how they feel about life.

1. Where do you work? → What do you love about your job?
2. Where did you go to high school? → What was high school like? What did you learn there? What changed you there?
3. “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?”